Player Profiles


Roll mouse over pictures to reveal true identity.

** Updated for 2009 season **

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Martin Clutterbuck

   AKA The East End Express, Mart or Clusters.

At the end of the 2004 season, age appeared to be catching up with Martin - his dodgy back requiring a shortening of his run-up that, initially at least, gave his bowling the penetration of a stick of celery. Subsequent years have been a gloriously different story however. Back to bowling at his best, Martin has cemented his place as the opening bowler of choice and would probably get the nod in most of the sides in our division. Mart has less talent with the bat, but some of what he lacks in technique he makes up for with all-out attack. His highest score for the club is a distressing 49. One of the safest pair of hands in the club, Mart still enjoys fielding on the boundary, particularly where the outfield is rough, as he finds it challenging, he says. Celebrity lookalike - Laurent Blanc.

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James Copeman

Dave   

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Steve Hyatt

   AKA Hooker, Stevie.

Divorcee, Grandfather Steve (age unknown) is the longest serving member of the club and the best wicket keeper called Steve the club has ever had. A stopper of the old school, not much gets past him particularly down the leg side, which is just as well given our bowling attack. Occasionally loses his sunny disposition with batsmen who don't get on their way quickly enough, which can be richly entertaining. Despite the sobriquet, Hooker has a range of shots and, when in the zone, is capable of winning the game (for West Witney) at the death. Famously, Steve took a wicket with his first delivery for the club (caught at slip by B Gilham). Hooker is still celebrating to this day. Can catch if he remembers to put some glue on his gloves. Steve's game would benefit tremendously from 12 months with a fitness coach. Celebrity lookalike - Warren Clarke.

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Satish Kumar


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Chris Pringle


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Gary Rowles


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Julian Russ

   AKA Ju, Russy, Former Cadogan, Russlington.

A former Cadogan, Russy is getting old, grey and a little heavier around the mid-riff and has accordingly elected for a life amongst the ever growing hordes of twirlies. Russy is genuinely good at bowling (shock horror), with variations in flight and pace that are positively beguiling. He doesn't actually turn the ball, but then neither did his great hero and club legend Brian Gilham, and look at his stats. Russy's batting is definitely worth watching if you have a minute or two. He has a world-class leave, but coached at public school, his other shots ought to be more productive than they are. Last year's observation that Russy couldn't catch a replica barn door looks generous. There are dead people I'd back ahead of him. People have emigrated not to see him field at cover. Celebrity lookalike - Ben Elton.

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Andrew Smith

   AKA AJ, Andy.

AJ is showing all the signs of going through a mid-life crisis. He has swapped the London life of the bon-viveur for one of almost complete abstinence. Smoking and food are now off the menu, with running and bible study firm fixtures. It remains to be seen how long this will last, or what effect it will have on his cricket. When he's not injured from falling over unexpectedly in the field, he can bat and currently holds the batting prize, perfectly demonstrating how application and determination can overcome a lack of any real talent. AJ was once a formidable opening bowler, but advancing years, a creaking back and dodgy shoulder have left him with an action similar to Paddy's wife Zoe, but without the accuracy. Fortunately this means he won't be wanting a bowl. AJ can catch. Celebrity lookalike - Rowan Atkinson.

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Patrick Smith

   AKA Pad, Paddy.

The saner one of the Smith brothers, Pad shows a remarkably sensible, mature streak at times. A former captain of the club, his harsh disciplinarian approach led to a few tears, but some (all too rare) success for the club. Pad has now returned to the ranks, but is a genuine all-rounder, with a league century, the Cadogan Cup, the accompanying peerage and 'roofing' Martin off his long run the highlights of 2004. Pad is a canny spin bowler as his brother and bunny AJ will testify. Another loony cyclist, who would rather be slogging it to the moon and back before breakfast. Celebrity lookalike - Clint Eastwood.

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Mark Spolander


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Ankur Srivastava

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Dave Tandy

  

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Chris Tarratt

   

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Omer Tariq

   

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John Tuck

   AKA Tucky, Mr Tuck, the Tuckmeiseter, Lord Tucklington.

Loads of black luxurious hair, mostly on his chin. Now an eminent librarian (of all things) at the British Library, it should be free books all round. Famously was once given out for hitting the ball twice, or interfering with the field against Farringdon (not even the umpire knew which - no surprise there then). This mild-mannered book-worm has an occasional tendency to throw a 'Johnny's home', which one should be careful of, particularly if he's carrying an axe. An eccentric but capable bowler and fielder, Mr Tuck could be the surprise package of any game provided he makes the starting 11. Celebrity lookalike - Gerry Adams.

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Ben van Vuuren

   

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Nigel Walker

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